Awhile ago, Laura C. asked a few of us what it had been like to go from having one child to two. Seeing as how she had twins, she had had two children straight out of the gate and had pondered on the similarities and differences of the two scenarios. This was my response:
I have been screaming to anyone that would listen that having kids 2 years apart is much harder than I expected. My brother and I are 2 years apart, Joe and his sister are 2 years apart. Plenty of people PLAN to have kids 2 years apart so we started trying for baby #2 when Jake was 15 months and got pregnant on the first try.
Our family was prepared in every way possible and it was quite simply the hardest experience of my life. Jake actually adjusted really well, it was me who almost had a mental breakdown. I felt pulled in every which direction - I felt guilty for not having more time for Jake, I resented Jadyn for needing so much from me, then I felt guilty for resenting her. I lashed out at my husband because even though he helped, there was so many things that only Mommy could do (like nurse in the middle of the night) and I resented the fact that he got a break every day when he went to work. I was awkward when I went out with both kids, chasing Jake in a parking lot while carrying Jadyn in an infant seat, tying to change his poopy toddler diaper while holding her because it was the only thing that kept her from crying. LOL! Oh, the memories.
But slowly, it got easier and easier. It was much better at the 6 month mark, even better at the year mark and now at the 2 year mark, I am reaping the rewards of having my kids 2 years apart. They can literally play together and keep each other occupied for hours with very little intervention from me (an occasional diaper change or trip to the potty, a minor toy squabble, asking for a snack, etc). I think the reason people say that it is easy or nice to have kids 2 years apart is because they remember THIS - the nicety of how it now and hopefully will be from now on but they quickly forgot how hard it was in the beginning.
At first, I was ashamed at the way I had felt, like it somehow had made me a failure as a mother. I remember discussing my fears with moms of two or more before having Jadyn and quite a few of them had said that adjustment of having their second child was easier than having their first. What had I done wrong? What was wrong with me?
But then, and I remember this as if it were yesterday, I can recall when Jake was around 3 years old and Jadyn’s first birthday was just around the corner. I had gone to see the lactation consultant (a goddess in her own right) on base, just to say hello because she had played such an important role in the kids’ early lives. My visit coincided with her weekly breastfeeding moms group so the room was filled with new moms and their babies. One mom in particular seemed sort of awkward as she attempted to nurse her newborn son while fishing a snack for her whiny toddler out of a diaper bag. We started chatting, realizing the age difference between our kids were the same, only mine were now a year older than both hers. She looked at me with a sigh and said, “How did you do it?”
I replied with brutal honesty as I had above about how hard the first 6 months were and shared my feelings of guilt. At some point during my little speech I glanced over and realized that she was crying, tears streaming down her face. When I finished speaking, she was so overcome with emotion that she could barely speak and although I was of notable distance from her in the circle of women she simply whispered, “Thank you”.
It was at that moment that I stopped being ashamed because I realized that by not being honest about my experience, whether it was with myself, my best friend or a perfect stranger, I was only committing a grave disservice. While some adjust just fine, I was not alone in my experience. And the best way for me to help those who are or are about to go through that experience, the best gift I can give them is to let them know that they are not alone and that it will get better.
Now, when I think back to when Jadyn was first born, I think only of how much I loved her, how much Joe and Jake immediately loved her and wanted to protect her. I think of how much she completed our family. I barely remember the struggles, the sleepless nights, the constant feeling of being pulled in 20 different directions. It all seems so distant now. It actually seems insignificant. I could see myself accidentally misrepresenting those first months, simply because of all the benefits I reap now. But I will continue to push those struggles to the forefront of my memory, because it is the honest truth and I know that by speaking it, I can assuage the fears of other second-time moms who are now in my exact same shoes. And I know that like me, no matter how hard it might get, they would not trade being a mom to their kids for anything in the world.
7 comments:
Jen-
That was a beautifully written post, what a gift to share with people. I am sure this will help many new moms.
Thanks for the brutal honesty on this topic. I often wonder how it can be seamless and easy to go from 1-2 because even after all this experience, there are a lot of days I struggle with 2! I'm still waiting to reap the rewards of them playing together for long periods!
Such a well-written post! My experience has not been quite as traumatic, but I think there are two reasons for that. First, my mom stayed with us for three weeks and basically held the baby all the time when William was home, except when I needed to feed him. So I was able to give William lots of attention and do other things that make you feel human when you have a newborn (like shower, e-mail, eat, etc.)
And second, I continued to take William to daycare at least 3 days a week, which gave me time with the baby, and kept William's world somewhat routine. I think had it not been for these two things, I would have had a nervous breakdown. I am very lucky!
I am just now coming out of that six month fog and just starting to see the light. I really appreciate your eloquent post on this and am encouraged to hear that it does get better.
What a beautiful, and honest post. You have said what I always thought was really the case.
Oh, Jenn. I remember those months, those hard months that you speak of, and let me tell you something: you managed so much more beautifully than you are giving yourself credit for. But I also know you were exhausted and frustrated inside. There were times that I cried over my one lone child, and I couldn't imagine how you were juggling two! Still, you did such a good job. I often marvelled then how well you managed your two young children. And you somehow managed to find the energy to be a great friend to me, too. You deserve major props.
Great post Jenn! I always wondered about the logistics of having 2 kids 2 years apart. I only have one and we are thinking about another, and I often think about how I will haul around a new baby with my very active toddler and divide up my attention. I struggled enough just with the one--two seems like a lot. Thanks for your wonderful perspective and hope that after the 6 mo mark and the year mark it gets a whole bunch better.
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