My Love/Hate Relationship with Summer and Why I Heart Fall

I haven't been blogging much lately but it has been on my mind. In fact, I have several posts saved as drafts that I either need to finish or decide whether or not I want to publish. There is the one I wrote about religion that makes me feel exposed for the whole world to judge. Too deep. There is the one I wrote about all the anxieties I have about Jake starting Kindergarten in three weeks that is probably not only boring but makes me sound whiny and ungrateful like this is all I have to worry about in life. Then there is the one about my feelings towards all the books I have been reading, the movies we have been watching and contemplating giving up a significant amount of TV watching this Fall in order to make sure that my passion for other forms of media can continue but that just seems, well again boring not to mention self-centered and superficial. So I have been trudging along, writing about what we have been doing this summer and posting tons of pictures. It just doesn't seem to scratch the surface of what I want to say, not to mention what I want my children to look back on and remember about this summer.

I have mentioned before that I have a love/hate relationship with summer. I love the warm weather. I love the water - going to the beach, going to the river, taking the kids swimming. I love the freedom of summer with very few regular commitments. The days where it can be noon before you realize you are still in your PJs, discovering toys and games and togetherness as a family that so often gets overlooked during a hectic school year. I had high hopes for this summer and when it comes to summer fun those expectations were far exceeded. But I also had hopes that between the river trips and swim lessons, I would be working with both the kids on a regular basis - Jake on his reading and math, Jadyn on her counting and writing skills, spending time frequently doing arts and crafts and singing songs so that by summer's end I would feel like I accomplished something constructive. I am really torn about those expectations. On the one hand, I feel like they don't call it summer break for nothing - it is supposed to be a break. On the other hand I feel like I failed as a mom for not using all this free time constructively.

The extreme heat of the desert can start to wear on you after awhile and the lack of a routine can become quite daunting, especially to someone like me who thrives on consistency and organization. And that is why right now I am longing for fall. Why I have always loved "back to school" both when I was a child in school and even when no one in our family was technically going back to start with. For me, September is as good as New Year's - a time to start fresh and anew and get back on track with goals. Right now I am busily spring cleaning for the fall - going through drawers and closets,cleaning and organizing to my little heart's content, making lists and filling calendars, shopping for cold weather clothes in the new sizes the kids have grown into and getting the kids their school supplies. Who does not love the smell of a brand new pack of Crayola crayons? To give you an idea of how far ahead I plan, last week I starting shopping on the internet for Jadyn's Halloween costume. Joe just about had a coronary. I kid you not.

In the end, maybe I am being too hard on myself for what I did not accomplish this summer. I read "Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box" when it was going around our little blog circle and while it made some valid points and had some good suggestions, I found myself disagreeing with a lot of what it had to say. I know when I could have done better as a parent or better managed my time and no one can tell me different. Then again, I can and should and am trying to focus on the positive. We have had an AMAZING summer. I loved all of our little adventures and the extra down time. I am just ready for it to be over. Call me freak but it basically happens every summer.

I am tempted to hit the "save now" button on this post and let it sit there with my drafts about religion, recipes, kindergarten and books/movies. I feel that everything I felt was wrong with those posts has only been magnified in this one - boring, whiny, self-indulgent. But I am not going to do that this time. I am going to publish this post because it is me being honest and in the long run, those are the posts that I cherish above all else. Just like I cherish my summers and look forward to fall.